1919 A4 Forums banner
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,272 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Cell Phones and Port-A-Johns

I know a few things. Most of this knowledge comes from doing things wrong, establishing undeniable cause and effect relationships.
One of life’s lessons learned is………never take your cell phone into a Port-A-John. If it slips out of your pocket into that god-awful abyss, it’s gone forever. Well, I speak from my own admittedly narrow and selfish perspective. Perhaps there are grossly (pun intended) different people that would fetch it out, but to be clear, I’m not one of those people.
I had one of those Mil-spec phones that would sustain shock and was waterproof. That turned out to be a good thing. Cell phone insurance is a good thing too, no matter how tough the device may be.
Back to the story. I went to a Machine Gun Shoot at the Knob Creek Range in Kentucky. Camping there was part of the fun. Imagine a camp ground where everyone is not only armed to the teeth, but with fully automatic machine guns. Needless to say, the campground was a little rowdy, but in an oddly civilized fashion. There were no problems or issues for the most part. Men with machine guns are oddly civilized. I’ll leave it there.
The only amenity provided by the campground host was a row of port-a-johns. Without getting too graphic, just know that on occasion I found it necessary to go there.
One evening, I did just that, but to my dismay, my cell-phone slipped out of my pocket into the afore mentioned awful abyss. Well, not in keeping with my usual style, I immediately accepted a defeated outcome and left it there.
Not so fast. After a few of my favorite golden beverages, (Coronas), it occurred to me that this might provide some (admittedly sick) humor.
I borrowed someone’s phone, went to the scene of the disaster and tested it. Sure enough, the lost phone was still working and voice mail was still turned on. This was going to be good.
I must admit, I surprised many a visitor to that particular john with all manner of surprising commentary.
But there was a best one. “Hey buddy, that one has veins, you gotta name it. We have laws in this state!”

Ryland
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,118 Posts
I'm not gonna touch that one. Oh, wait a minute......:rofl:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,567 Posts
potty humor

I former forest service worker thought it would be funny to stick a walky talky under there rim on a porta potty, his boss didn't which is why he was a former forest service worker! He said they got some really good responses till his boss found out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,177 Posts
Similar situation occurred with a pistol in a Porta-John during a field exercise about 30 years ago when I was stationed at Ft. Campbell. Female captain dropped her pistol in the hole and expected someone else to get it for her. Unlike a cell phone that pistol was not going to be abandoned. BN SMG bought her two very large trash bags to put over her arms and we had a good laugh watching her dig around in the Porta-John looking for that pistol. She finally found it but the company armorer was not all that excited about having it back in inventory. :)

Seems West Point had not prepared her for that particular military maneuver.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,955 Posts
Seems I remember the security there having to retrieve a pistol from the abyss when someone stole it off a dealers table.
It was quite the talk when they were trying to figure out who would be the one to go fishing. I know there was more than one "sewer trout" in that fish bowl. :rofl:
CaptMax
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,355 Posts
Paddyofurniture SEZ: ".... must have scared the crap out of people."

I guess that woulda helped this guy in our MASH unit -- field exercises no longer use the ol pit latrine, but PortaJohns -- sometimes well serviced and sometimes not. This was one of the "not" times, and we had a guy who couldn't stand it -- went two weeks without dumping his load and ending up in the hospital to be "dug out." Not pleasant on either end, the dugee or the digger!

Carry On!
Gary
><>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,355 Posts
Paddyofurniture SEZ: ".... must have scared the crap out of people."

I guess that woulda helped this guy in our MASH unit -- field exercises no longer use the ol pit latrine, but PortaJohns -- sometimes well serviced and sometimes not. This was one of the "not" times, and we had a guy who couldn't stand it -- went two weeks without dumping his load and ending up in the hospital to be "dug out." :grenade: Not pleasant on either end, the dugee or the digger!

Carry On!
Gary
><>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,204 Posts
Port a Johns have become an unfortunate necessity in our mixed gender Army now. Cant have the boys just dropping trousers in front of the ladies. Anyways....this is how it goes....open door, step inside. Set weapon against left corner. Try and hang your helmet on the spring that holds the door closed. Now, without touching the filthy urinal, take off your body armor and place next to weapon. So now, you are already breaking a sweat from this contortionist act. (and its probably 100 degrees in the port-a-pooper already) Then you do your business....(usually while checking your phone....but you are now covering the seat and there is no danger of phone falling in)...THEN comes the tricky part.....standing up without hitting the pisser on your right or tripping all over your armor, weapon and helmet. Now exit the potty, covered in sweat and tangled in your own gear, everything crooked and just generally miserable.

People wonder why I HATE portopotties. Its not the horrific smell.....its the near death experience I go thru every time I use them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,324 Posts
Port-a-potties sound like a boon to the transgender troops. Yes I did go there. When is the Military?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
761 Posts
Try working for the Railroad, the porta-crapper is in the nose. They only get serviced when they're over flowing!

In the summer when they bake in the sun the stench is gawd awful! The cab smells so bad that you would rather keep the windows open.

Why they can't keep it between the outer and inner doors is beyond me. Oh and when they are full and haven't been drained, that blue stuff mixed in with the **** and piss sloshes around everywhere! Then you get the sick fuckers that still use it and then track that crap all over the inside of the cab!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,712 Posts
One of my Brother-in-law's squadron mates earned a "call sign" following a similar mishap. I can't recall if he dropped his Rolex or his wedding band, but regardless he felt compelled to go in after it. Being named Luke, he was shortly thereafter christened "Blue Hand Luke," and has been ever since. Bet he wishes he'd stuck his hand in a freezer instead. MSG
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,177 Posts
Port a Johns have become an unfortunate necessity in our mixed gender Army now. Cant have the boys just dropping trousers in front of the ladies. Anyways....this is how it goes....open door, step inside. Set weapon against left corner. Try and hang your helmet on the spring that holds the door closed. Now, without touching the filthy urinal, take off your body armor and place next to weapon. So now, you are already breaking a sweat from this contortionist act. (and its probably 100 degrees in the port-a-pooper already) Then you do your business....(usually while checking your phone....but you are now covering the seat and there is no danger of phone falling in)...THEN comes the tricky part.....standing up without hitting the pisser on your right or tripping all over your armor, weapon and helmet. Now exit the potty, covered in sweat and tangled in your own gear, everything crooked and just generally miserable.

People wonder why I HATE portopotties. Its not the horrific smell.....its the near death experience I go thru every time I use them.
Porta-Johns in training areas are nothing new. I entered the Army in 1979 and they were common sights in the training areas then. The use of them had much more to do with sanitation than mixed gender units. No one likes to pitch their operations tent over the last using unit's unmarked latrine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,129 Posts
Nothing like watching PVT Sadsack burning the barrels and using straight JP5, and taking several minutes to try to get a match lit. FFFOOOOOMMMM!!!! FLAMING CRAP falling from the sky landing over a 20 ft perimeter
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,355 Posts
You're probably thinking of foo gas. Never heard of foo gas? -- it's a mixture of explosives and napalm (JP-5, gasoline) for defensive use, in the case of sewage usually gasoline/oil (gasoline burns faster than JP-5 and is more expendable) set in a fifty-five gallon drum of sewage; set it off with det cord and di di mau!

Carry On!
Gary
><>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,129 Posts
Nope, you were suppossed to mix deisel with a splash of JP5 to get it started. Genius didnt find the 5 gal jerry cans at the pol point so he used straight JP5.....

There was a reason he burned the barrels regularly.....like the time he walked into the command post to show off the cool 105mm HE dud that he found laying around in the Al Faw Republican guards Inf. Positions we had occupied. Couldnt grab an AK47 Or a RPG Launcher, has to grab the shiny UXO....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
966 Posts
Happily I never had to go brown trout fishing, but I did help rig an OPFOR outhouse with an artillery simulator rigged to the lid. Happened to be running by in morning P/T when it went, poor bugger bailed out with his britches around his angles to that oh-so-familiar whistle of 'incoming'. Needless to say if you'd lost your phone in that one, it'd been glued to the ceiling and easy to retrieve that morning. We paid dearly for that one, but it was worth it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,177 Posts
Blew about six over once following a ground guide, don't suppose he figured on just how much wind comes off the rotors of a CH47. :)
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top