Joined
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485 Posts
Its pretty funny and right now it seems very appropriate. 
For those of you who have ever lived in New England or anywhere it snows,
you can relate to this story.
For those of you who have never lived where it snows, this is about as true
as the scenario gets....
Don't get me wrong, I think were are blessed to be able to live in one of
the most beautiful areas in New England, but enough is enough....hahaha...
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor
tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow
came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We
aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought
a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
**** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives
that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an
hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted
me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours
of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a
million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?
