If You Were Raided By The BATF,...

... What Would Your News Headline & Story Say? (Reprise from a two-year old thread started by 57Strat.) Here's mine:


Leader of Major Terrorist Cell Arrested

There was a major potential leader of a terrorist cell arrested yesterday in a private home on a quiet cul-de-sac within a large gated community in Northern Virginia. The agents carted out over 20,000 rounds of junk-Indian and other ammo, a FEDERALLY LICENSED firearms collection, and a fully-automatic NFA firearm built in pre-May 19, 1986, costing only one hundred dollars, for which an FBI required background check was made.

All the items, along with the owner, were returned one day later, although no taxicab was provided for the suspected terrorist leader or his booty. The day of the investigation there were 19 neighbors interviewed who said "he plowed the sidewalks of the entire length of the street with his snowblower during a blizzard last year, and was rewarded with a bottle of fine brandy for his effort." He is, therefore, obviously an alcoholic and not to be trusted! He says he "does not drink beverage alcohol, is a grateful, recovering alcoholic of at least more than one day's duration," and has "not had a drink today." (He says he thinks that "only TODAY counts!")

There was one supposededly more reliable neighbor, who knew better, and claimed the arrestee'd had 19 guys and some of their wives over to this terrorist cell on the Satudaybefore last, for a SUPPOSED "Tupperware Party" that was actually a "bunch of people running around in the streets with assault weapons, aimlessly standing around, and making a lot of noise ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON!!!" (Sic) "Oh yes, and they PARKED A LOT OF VEHICLES IN THE STREET" possibly causing undue wear on the designated parking spaces! Obviously a Taliban cell or such, even though they were having PORK barbecue for lunch! The investigating DETECTIVE, of the CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION DIVISION -- MAJOR CRIMES UNIT of Prince William County who showed up, refused to eat any barbecue or potato salad because "he'd just eaten." This "law enforcement officer" OBVIOUSLY was part of a COVERUP, and in a collusion with the alleged insurgents who were making Browning 1919a4 assualt rifles capable of being easily concealed and of defeating an entire country, because he went away seeming happy and satisfied, and without complaint.

It was the LATER "authorities," Federal, State and local police, accompanied by fiends of PETA, who showed up to knock down doors, setting off "flash-bangs" and such, before carting off the collection and the perpetrator. Unfortunately for them, they didn't realize that the REAL CLEO lives in the same neighborhood and insisted upon the Second Amendment being applied and enforced, along with others, such as Due Process, etcetera. When the alleged terrorist was carted off to jail, he quietly said to this reporter "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS," (Latin for "Thus Always To Tyrants," the Commonwealth of Virginia's Motto,)" whatever threat that might be taken to mean!

The episode leading up to the purportedly illegal raid later became known as "THE BEST DOGGONE GUN BUILD IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA" on several gunnut boards, and, it was allegedly mentioned there was supposedly some slow cooked, pit-smoked pork barbecue served that was simply "OKaaay," but politically incorrect because the humanely raised pig was "SHAMLESSLY SLAUGHTERED" for the benefit of PEOPLE!!!

That the "gunnuts" allegedly collected and donated enough money to send an underpriviledged kid to summer camp for a week was inconsequential and irrevelant. This reporter, as an upstanding citizen, and employee of this fine socialist newsgroup, cannot condone such disrespect for such a wonderful sentient being as that porker, and will seek to have PETA instigate a further investigation of these irresponsible perpetrators and terrorists and this and their many other politically incorrect actions.

(Expletive deleted) Washington Staff Reporter

Carry On! Gary