[tuolumnejim]

This was sent in an email, I've seen it before and I know some of it was posted on the old board at one time.

Pilot Error


Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers







Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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**********************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:






"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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********* *************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

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******************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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***********************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."


Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

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*************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,








"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger:








"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

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************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short
-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206
.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):








"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark-- and I didn't
land."

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*********************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:


"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown
pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:


"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[loboslanding]

Man, those are funny as h**l.

 

[comanderfritz]

hilerious. especaily since i almost have my pilots license and have done a decent amount of talking with "tower". you just feel like saying some of this stuff sometimes, i hate when they forget about you.

heres some more
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
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My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)...

Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
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And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
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Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."
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From Andrew Walker, May 2007 - A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport. One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, "Bullshit!" The controller then said something to the effect of, "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself." After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit." A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit." One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the bullshit."
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The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis."
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A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you."
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A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up."

aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.- Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.- Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.- Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.- Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.- Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.- Cat installed.
Target radar hums.- Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing.- [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard

wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative.- Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.- Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.- Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.- Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.- Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative-. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.- Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild.- [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.- Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.- Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.- Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.- One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud.- [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.- No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.- That's what they are for.​

 

[BeltFedPlus]

Hey guys, this is too funny (And I'm supposed to be working getting ready for Sunday )

Regards,
Tom

 

[Old CooT]

Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew.

They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.
This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain ..........

"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."
"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."
"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."
"British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?"
"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop !!!"

 

[KABAR2]

There was a story from the 60's from a guy flying co-pilot on a DC3 freight run, the pilot was a good'ol boy, their on their way when the pilot breaks out a big bucket of KFC as he eats them he tosses the bones out the little window of the cockpit, some time latter he notices that one of the engines is running way too hot! They make a unscheduled landing at this little airport and have a mechanic take a look, the mechanic starts to comment he's never seen anything like it!
he's seen bird strikes on an engine before but never seen where they were down to bones and cooked meat! As he pulled chicken bones from between the cylinders........